I left and returned as two different people. And it feels weird to be back. It feels weird to be thrown back into a mold of a life I created blindly and not for my pleasure. And now I have to live in it, and dance in it and smile in it. And the thing is, I don't fit my mold. For some reason, my heart aches. Maybe for the people I met while away, maybe for the person within myself that I left. Maybe for the life I'm about to go live now. Maybe it was for all of this and more. I can tell you one thing, though. I don't really know what is about to happen to me, and who is about to touch me. But I know I'm ready for what I wasn't before this trip. I'm ready for love, I'm ready for friendship. I'm staring at life with big, bright sixteen year old eyes and saying "Bring it on."

It's powerful. We are powerful. You, you are the most powerful person to have walked across this breathing earth. Power is between our ribs and in our toes.

Each of us has a place, a spot where our soul opens up, our heart literally cracking through our chest. Just opening, letting the light in. Some find this place in a lover, a friend, a person, a child. Others, in a musical instrument, a belief in God. Many find it in a paintbrush, or a pencil. But me, I found it in a convergence of latitude and longitude . And since I was eight, for a week each year, I come and came to this place and more and more, over the expansion of time, my heart opens as my mind clouds. I can't really tell what it is about the place, however. It could be the little shops, filled with delicately hand made jewelry, and fudge and works of art. Or maybe its the sunset, in all its glory shining across the water. Or it could possibly be the roads, practically touching the store fronts and cottages. But maybe it's the food, the abundance of delicate, delicious food. But I really don't know, and I'm confident I will never quite understand my absolute and unconditional love for this beautiful place. But thats the beauty in beautiful. We will all never quite know why this person, thing, place, continually cracks open our hearts more and more and even more than it did before. But this place is my other half, the missing part of my soul that fulfills me to this outstanding, incredible amount. Because within all its faults and downfalls and imperfections it is absolutely perfect. It kind of pains me though, that my other half is not a person, and that I have to break this expectation of finding a person, I feel like this for, because, really thats all I've ever wanted. But maybe, the plan is for a person to feel like this about me. I could be some persons other half, or "soulmate". But, I can never find a person I personally love this greatly, because I've found it, that thing, that just does it for me. And it's so sad and great at the same time, because within all my soul's returns to this earth, I truly, truly believe that each time- I have found this place. Within all my different names, and personalities and looks and sexuality's and every other human limitation, I have found my home, my connection to the being of human in this place. And I believe that so does every person, so does every soul have this same experience, this same finding of the part thats missing and its never changing, as your soul, through all its leaps and bounds- never changes. This, to me, this single belief and theory, makes more sense to me than any other belief system and religion and theory of life to ever have been shown to me. This, to me, is the destiny- the "life" of soul.

Come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the sea is just a wetter version of the skies

Let’s get a silver bullet trailer and have a baby boy
I’ll safety-pin his clothes all cool and you’ll grafitti up his toys
I’ve got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget
I’ve got a perfect body cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
Yes, they do, they do…

Now i’ve been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide come in to take me home
I get scared, and I’m sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song…

Maybe one day you will understand
I don’t want nothing from you but to sweetly hold your hand
Till that day just please don’t be so down
Don’t make frowns, you silly clown

Just come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the waves are just a frothier version of the skies

There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes…

Regina Spektor- Folding Chair

i hate endings. hate. and even though its the last day of school, nothings really ending. maybe i just hate when i see time moving. and how people are all connected to that time. as much as we try to break the barriers of time, we are connected. and so when i see time moving and breaking and forming- i just can't take it. because i realize how trapped i am. and how trapped everybody else is. and then i realize- im the only one who sees it. and i feel so unbelievably alone. for once, i want to miss it. i don't want to see it happening. i want to be one of those people that are just so happy and excited that they miss the whole: wow, life is moving moment. but that will never be me. i've always got one eye on my life, and one eye on the universe.
sometimes, i swear i can hear people praying.
that was a joke.

im learning to breathe. everyday. to stop worrying. im learning that life is beautiful and that this world is even more so. im learning that love is love and people are people and life is life. im learning that it all doesn't matter as much as i think it does and that everything, everything is absolutely wonderful because everything makes me human. and not some half-human piece of perfection. but a human, with love pumping through my veins and hair sprouting from my head and words melting to the ends of my fingertips. and i can't even believe its taken my this long to breathe. to relax already. but i don't want to waste another minute with tears and sorrow and broken pieces. i want to be human.

so here's the thing: i threatened. i pleaded. i cried. i did everything i possibly could to make things go my way. to stop my heart from breaking and you from defining me. But you keep doing it, over and over. You make or break my day. And I just can't do it anymore. And maybe you're not losing anything by me walking out. Maybe this was your motive all along. Fine. Joke's on me. I failed, I'm losing. But you know what, really, I'm not. You are. Who's going to be there when your world's crashing in? Because before it was me. But you can't ever live up to anything you promise. and thats your problem. because im so done letting you define me. and im so done letting you dictate my life. and i should have been so done so much earlier. you shouldn't have been able to dig so deep into me. but you did. you really did. and maybe thats what you wanted. to dig so deep that there would be no way for me to find the dirt to fill the hole back in. but i swear i will find the dirt. and it will be no thanks to you. i have spent my whole life, well really, maybe only these past few years, so afraid of being alone. but i can be alone. because really, haven't i been all along? hasn't this all just been one big fucking joke? its a sick joke, for sure. because it was my soul, and my heart at risk. you're all taken care of. and you are so, so good at making me feel important when you know your going to lose me. but for once, i want to be important instead of just feel it. and trust me, i know the difference. im smart. how do you think i got you through all those crisis's when she just didn't understand? it wasn't because of luck. its because im smart. i mean for fucks sake, i even gave you advice on how to give her advice. and i bet that worked out perfectly, didn't it? well, of course it did. and now you're all happy and shes all happy and everything is just a big fucking happy fest. so, ok. i get it. but this was the last straw, and you knew it. you knew it. so i'm saying fuck you with a capital f. and maybe, just for kicks, a capital y.
Fuck You.

each moment contains its own complicated theory. i don't trust my own mind, my own perspective. so i assume the perspective of another. decide on what their thinking. because i don't feel i know enough myself. i feel naive. and stupid. and uninteresting. boring. and wrong. thats the most important one- i feel wrong. like my step isn't on beat and my voice is a little flat and the room is a little too hot and my zits are protruding and there's dirt under my nails. so i climb into another skin and see out their perfectly round, greenish-brownish eyeballs and make it up as i go.
its my own little show inside my own little head.
and its all wrong.