time has passed. and i've had so much to say between then and now, but just haven't had the words. and i can honestly say thats the worst feeling in the world. having everything to say and no way to say it. well, thats me in the picture. in new york city. it was breathtaking. i felt a peace there- but a strange one. the city spurred and stirred and stripped and moved and shaked my soul and afterwards, on the flight home, i felt new. i'm starting to believe that life gives you what you need when you need it. and ineeded that- to feel new. i needed to feel like i had life beyond me, beyond the present, beyond my lonely life of a present. that a single life is much, much smaller than the wholeness of life. New York City taught me that. with all the people and all the parts it taught me to be a piece of a puzzle instead of the entire puzzle itself, which is what i had always expected myself to be. However, that's way to big a job for me, a human, a single life. and the puzzle of life transfers over time in such a vast way that nobody could ever possibly understand their singular importance in any human context. it is beyond us. the world is beyond us. i've learned to stop trying to figure it all out- because it's just impossible. and not in a "we can defy the impossible" sort of way. In an "it's actually completely impossible" sort of way. And i'm learning to accept that. i'm learning to accept that i cannot possibly be the puzzle because i cannot, first of all, live for all time because some amount of time has already passed for which I have not lived, and because I am human and humanity is so disgustingly limited. We are limited. But we are a part of many limits that together are unlimited.

If only I actually made sense.