i was standing next to a rose bush, and you said "I don't even really believe in God." and my little six year old self was shocked. And I stared at you and said, "You don't believe in God?" And you shook your head and looked down at your feet and went "No, not really. I don't go to church." And I just couldn't believe it. My little six year old self could not even fathom the idea that there may not be a God, there may not be a heaven. I was a little six year old girl who every day of her six years of life did everything she possibly could to be good for God. Sure, I hated church, sure, I didn't pray every night, and sure, every time I tried to pray the rosary and follow my little packet I got bored. But I believed, without a doubt, that God was up there, and God loved me and how could not everybody else in this whole entire earth not believe he was there? Because in my world, everybody did. In my world, everybody was Catholic. I have home videos of my grandpa teaching me how to say "Peace" and shake hands while I was still learning to talk. I even had little candy hosts and would make everybody bow and say Amen to me after I said "The body of Christ."

And now that I'm 17, and all these beliefs are catching up to me, I can't help but question if my catholic faith was a product of my environment or is actually the belief system coated in truth and hope that it claims to be? Because some girl, between the ages of six and seventeen, got a little lost. And I'm trying so hard to pick the spot. To dive into my past and find the turning point where things fucked up. Perhaps, the wrong "right" turn I made. And the funny thing is, that while my brain is enveloped in utter confusion, I'm really, really grateful. And am, in a twisted around way, in utter awe of the way "God" perhaps, could've, if i believed, worked in my life.

But in the mean time, God, thanks for the car rides. For being egotistical and self-possessed, you really are a good listener. And maybe Maggie was right, you might be full of it, but you sure aren't a jerk.