i remember angelas bathroom. long counter top, pale walls, kleenex atop the toilet. i sat in there, trying desperately to make myself cry. or laugh. or anything. i wanted to feel like i knew you again. and then you came in. and we both started crying. the party was going around all around us, people trying to forget, people trying to be normal, people trying to be something they weren't. and then there was us. crying. looking at each other and sobbing. because we weren't ok, and they weren't ok and we were growing apart. and i remember your words, "i'll be here for you until you don't need me anymore" and i remember my reply- "i'll always need you." you- the girl i fought for every step of the way. you- the girl i told everything. you- the girl who knew me better than i knew myself. you- the girl that i cared about more than my own life. you- the girl i couldn't bear to lose. you-the girl who always saw me cry and who taught me how to laugh. you-the girl that meant and still means everything. i love you. i love you so much. i care about you, so so much. and i lied. because i don't need you anymore. and you know it. and i am so deeply sorry. because you told me the truth. you were there until i didn't need you. but your my best friend. you are my sister. you are the best person i have ever met. but i dont need you anymore. and i have to let you go. i have to say goodbye. and i will miss you. i will always miss you. you taught me how to live, how to dance, how to leave. you taught me everything. you grew me up, and kidded me down. you loved me in a way i have never been loved before. you hugged me. you cried right in front of me. you were raw and real in the best kind of way. and you will always be in my heart, in the best little suite i can give you. it will be gorgeous and wonderful and smart and caring and so beautiful your eyes will pop out of their sockets- just like you. you will always matter, but i love you. and i need you to be happy. and i need to be happy. and i need to find people i don't need to fight for. i have to speak my truth. and you- you were part of my lies.