and maybe i'm just trying to be perfect. and i can't help but get hurt by your words. "its nice to just vent to somebody sometimes who actually listens" -oh fuck you. i listen. i'm just done with everybody. i'm done caring more than i should. i'm done trying harder than i need to. i'm done, done, done. because life is awful. and if you don't like me very much, then just be forward about it already. just spit it in my face so i stop trying to be liked. and maybe it has and i just haven't been listening. i need to listen to my friends, my real friends. and sometimes, i really wonder who they are. i only know of one for sure. and even sometimes with her its foggy. i just need to stop trying to live up to everybodies expectations. i need to live for me. i need to feel like i'm worth living for. fuck it melissa, yes you are! you are worth every little ounce of energy you put into yourself. you deserve every good thing in this world. you need to start loving yourself as much as you love others. you need to start fucking living. you need to get your homework done. you need to get a's. you need to be pretty. you need to be skinny. god, grow up already and get yourself together. i wish i was everything people loved in me when they first met me. i wish i could be everything. i wish i didn't feel like this. you know, its funny to read your thoughts put into words. my head just spins and spins and i want to make it stop, i really do. i wish i could. and here my thoughts are spinning again. again, again, again. i'm exhausted and sometimes i just feel like the days that are good aren't worth the bad one's anymore.
am i worth my time?
are you worth my time?

“WHEN YOU LOSE SOMEONE, SOMEONE YOU LOVE. WHEN THEY BREAK YOUR HEART. IT'S THE HARDEST THING YOU COULD EVER GO THROUGH. AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED, IT NEVER REALY GOES AWAY. YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE GETTING BETTER, BUT THEN YOU GET A FLASHBACK OR HEAR A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A MEMORY AND IT HITS YOU ALL OVER AGAIN, ALL AT ONCE, LIKE A STAB IN THE CHEST. YOU FALL APART, FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME. AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND NEVER COME OUT. YOU LOVE THIS PERSON WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART, EVEN THOUGH YOU KKNOW YOU SHOULDN'T. THEY HURT YOU WORSE THAN YOU'VE EVER BEEN HURT. THEY STOLE YOUR HAPPINESS. BUT YET, YOU STILL WANT THEM, AND ONLY THEM. OTHER PEOPLE COME ALONG AND GIVE YOU CHANCES TO MOVE ON, BUT YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO. IT UPSETS YOU THAT YOU MIGHT BE MOVING ON, BECAUSE YOU PROMISED YOU NEVER WOULD. AND EVEN IF THEY BROKE ALL THEIR PROMISES, YOU WANT TO KEEP YOURS, ON TOP OF THAT, YOU'RE TERRIFIED, TERRIFIED OF GETTING HURT AGAIN. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS ANYWAY, AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU'RE STILL THINKING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO HAS LEFT YOU COMPLETELY BROKEN. YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THEM ANYMORE. YOU DON'T WANT TO LOVE THEM ANYMORE, BUT YOU KNOW YOU ALWAYS WILL.”

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

skinny love- bon iver

im supposed to turn 16 tomorrow.my golden birthday. my sweet sixteen. this is supposed to be THE best year of my LIFE. and its going to suck. i can feel it. because growing up doesnt go year by year. growing up, high school, the whole lot takes more than one year. and at new years i thought to myself, "last year sucked, last year i was unhappy, last year i changed incredibly. so next year is going to be wonderful,im going to be beautiful and wonderful and smart and motivated and everything is going to be perfect." but i was, am and will always be wrong. life doesn't flip over. you can only turn a new page so far. there are no chapters in this book. the story, it keeps on going. but i want it to stop. i want everything to get better. and i know that means i need to get better. but how do i get better? how do i feel better? when does growing up stop and living start? i need a sign, a signal.i need a trip, i need a hug, i need a good book. i need a friend. i need to be let free. is this how a caged bird feels? i need to take myself, my life, a little less seriously. i need to feel like im not trapped. and maybe, i just have to stop doing what others tell me. i need to believe in what i want to believe in. i need to go to college. do i think im going to be ok? no. but probably, yes. in reality, i just don't know. we just don't know. because i don't see how pain can ever stop, or happiness ever cease. we are born into reality. and reality sucks. but i remember how happy i used to be. i remember noah coming over to play. and mikey walking home with me after school. i remember emily and me telling each other made up love stories. and erin cuddling with me on the couch. i remeber faking i was asleep so i could skip my shot one more night. and practicing my song so hard for my piano recital that once i got up there, i completely froze and screwed it up. i remember my dad driving me around while i cried and cried, on two occasions. and how i could feel nothing. i remember jade. and paige rubbing my arm. i remember not wanting to take my shirt off. and how much i loved being loved. i remember all the prayers. and how god never answered any of them. i remember how good it felt to be in his arms. and how little he knew me. i remember how much you needed me to fight for you. and how much it fucked me up. i remember looking in the mirror. and hating what i saw. i remember how much i wanted to get married. and how much i pretend now that i don't. i remember the secret world that lived in my head. and how much i adored tuna casserole. i remember the days after her. and how my strength had been stolen. i want it back, my strength. give it back to me, now. tomorrow is the day. i turn 16. and thats how old you were when you did that terrible thing to me. those terrible things. i was 13. i am now 16. you are a piece of filthy shit. and you didn't kill all of me, i am still here. i win. you lose.

i remember angelas bathroom. long counter top, pale walls, kleenex atop the toilet. i sat in there, trying desperately to make myself cry. or laugh. or anything. i wanted to feel like i knew you again. and then you came in. and we both started crying. the party was going around all around us, people trying to forget, people trying to be normal, people trying to be something they weren't. and then there was us. crying. looking at each other and sobbing. because we weren't ok, and they weren't ok and we were growing apart. and i remember your words, "i'll be here for you until you don't need me anymore" and i remember my reply- "i'll always need you." you- the girl i fought for every step of the way. you- the girl i told everything. you- the girl who knew me better than i knew myself. you- the girl that i cared about more than my own life. you- the girl i couldn't bear to lose. you-the girl who always saw me cry and who taught me how to laugh. you-the girl that meant and still means everything. i love you. i love you so much. i care about you, so so much. and i lied. because i don't need you anymore. and you know it. and i am so deeply sorry. because you told me the truth. you were there until i didn't need you. but your my best friend. you are my sister. you are the best person i have ever met. but i dont need you anymore. and i have to let you go. i have to say goodbye. and i will miss you. i will always miss you. you taught me how to live, how to dance, how to leave. you taught me everything. you grew me up, and kidded me down. you loved me in a way i have never been loved before. you hugged me. you cried right in front of me. you were raw and real in the best kind of way. and you will always be in my heart, in the best little suite i can give you. it will be gorgeous and wonderful and smart and caring and so beautiful your eyes will pop out of their sockets- just like you. you will always matter, but i love you. and i need you to be happy. and i need to be happy. and i need to find people i don't need to fight for. i have to speak my truth. and you- you were part of my lies.

i feel bad about everything. im so sorry. im sorry i ever said anything. because i never wanted this to happen- i never wanted anything to happen. i wanted perfection to reign true. thats all i've ever wanted. and its sick, to expect perfection out of yourself- its sick. and maybe i'm sick, and maybe its time i start telling the truth. and the thing is- i have. i have really started, after a long time of not, i have started to tell the truth. the real truth. the raw truth. the truth that everybody-including me- is just a little bit afraid of hearing. but im saying it. because im sick of the fake smile. im sick of mine, and im even more sick of yours. and maybe i just dont understand you, and maybe i never will. maybe, we are just too different. is there even such a thing? doubtful. i think what i-we-you need to do is unite. we need to unite. we have to stop taking sides, because im done fighting. and i think you are too. i need to find people that matter. people i can spill my guts to and forget the rest. and i think, slowly but surely, i am. and i think after all this time of not having faith in people, i do again. faith is the most powerful thing you can have in somebody or something. and i have faith in you. i have faith that your going to be ok, that im going to be ok, that we're going to be ok. and you can shake your head and laugh at me and call me crazy, but i do. i have faith in you. and im sorry you ever felt hurt.

and as you walk along you pick out the things and the ones that matter in a sea of potential. sometimes you'll get it wrong, and you'll regret the fact that you ever chose them. that you ever wasted your time.
and when i face this fact, head on, thats when i really regret you.
and all of my wasted time.
i could've slept that night, you bastard.
and now, i'm more tired than i've ever been before. and at the same time, your more alive than you've been in years.
or maybe, your just faking it.
i think you are, or atleast thats what i'd like to think. thats what my friends that used to know you think. they didn't know you like i did though. they never memorized your smile.
but when i ask them, they say you look empty. they say i completed you. but people say a lot of things.
tell me what im supposed to believe.
and that night, when i saw you again, really saw you, for the first time since that other night, i saw your eyes light up. in that same lovely way they used to when we were in love. you never stopped loving me. but thats not even the point.
and i really wanted her to be there, so she could see it too.
her, the girl who knows everything.
i wanted so desperately for her to see it, so we could talk about it for years to come.
because even though you left me, one thing i know for sure is that she never will.
so i wanted her to see it, so she could look at me in the future and say, once i've actually found the one of course, "do you remember your first's eyes? well, your forever's look just the same."
and maybe, just because i can think wishfully if i so please, my first might also be my forever.