i've fucked up one too many times. all i ever do is fuck up. everything. every good thing. every bad thing. i fuck it up. i waste time. time time time. i need it. and i need a fucking vacation. i curse too much. i weigh too much. i fight too much. i cry too much. i never do the things i should. i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. i expect too much. too much. my life has become utterly too much for me to take. and even though im so fucking lost i can barely breathe, i want to lose myself. i want to lose the confusion and just go fuck everything up and pretend i don't care. i want to steal the fucking car and go drive. right now. i got my license yesterday. and i want to go drive. somewhere. anywhere. i just would really like that. there's nothing i would like more. maybe i will. right now. go driving. but maybe i won't. fuck. im going to. i want to go do something for me. that i want to do in the moment and not worry about everything else i have to and want to do. i just want to go drive.
fuck this shit.

im making the decision. once and for all. to lose the weight. to make the best from what i've lost. to move on. to value and treat well the friends i have and care less about the other ones. to thrive. to read and write with everything i have. to learn from my mistakes. to work hard in all i do. to get a boy. to live. to remember this is not the final chapter. the.world. will. keep. spinning. it does not end here. my life will not be summed up with this. i am making the decision to make sure that happens. i will do everything i've always wanted to. i will. i swear to fucking god. i will shine brighter than any of those who ever tried to bring me down.
i am making the decision to rise above.

i want you to call me. i want you to have something to say to me. anything. everything. please find some worth in dialing me up. text me, say you miss me. tell me you want to have a sleepover. because i keep trying. i keep holding on. i keep calling you my best friend. so be my best friend. please. because i really need you. honestly, sometimes i feel, well most of the time i feel, like your my only true friend. but you dont even call me anymore. im always the one to text first. and i try to bring it up with you, but you always brush it off. please, please don't leave me. don't ever leave me. because i have no one to replace you with. but you have everyone to replace me with. and its like, i see all of these "best friends" together. and they're so good together. they're so happy. they're always there for each other. they always put each other first. and thats why i dont understand. you say your my best friend, but then i feel like i can't call you when i need you. truth is, i really miss you. ok? i miss laughing with you. i miss you spilling your guts. i miss spilling my guts. i miss our sleepovers. i miss how you make me feel ok. i miss it. and i miss you. and just, fuck. why cant you miss me? please, just miss me. please, call me. please, care how im doing. please. because your supposed to be my best friend. and i've tried bringing it up with you. but you don't ever change. you, never, ever change. fuck. fuck. fuck. whats so wrong with me? whats so terrible about me? why am i so wrong? please just- i dont even know what to say-care? be my best friend again. because i really, really miss you. just, please tell me the things i want to hear. but don't lie to me either. im sorry i keep telling you what to do. i just really miss you. and im begging you, please don't push me away anymore. because i really, really care about you. and i don't know what to do.
and if you cared, this is what i would say:
i cry too much, i feel so lost. i push myself too hard. i take myself too seriously. i want to travel the world- thats my dream. i dont feel like i deserve anything. i've stopped eating again. i feel like nobody at my new school likes me very much. they always have somebody they like more. i just want to feel ok again. i think about killing myself practically every day.

please want to hear it all.

im sick of looking forward.
and im sick of looking back.
i want to live for now.
i want to dance in the rain.
as cliche as it sounds,
and as cliche as i am,
i just want to dance in the rain.
and i want you to love me with everything you have.
i want to stay up late and drink coffee with you.
i want a small house in the middle of the country.
just me, you and the stars.
the stars in the country,
they shine brighter than i ever will.
and will you make me happy?
tell me every word i've been longing to hear.
sing me songs before i fall asleep.
and when i grow up,
i want to be happy.
i think i get too caught up.
i feel pressured to be something big, something grand.
something out of the ordinary.
i don't need to be so special.
and maybe i'm just a big waste of potential.
but whats potential without happiness?
what am i without you?
who are you without love?
what is love?
tell me, tell me how to stop.
stop me from looking.
i want to dance in the rain.

and maybe i'm just trying to be perfect. and i can't help but get hurt by your words. "its nice to just vent to somebody sometimes who actually listens" -oh fuck you. i listen. i'm just done with everybody. i'm done caring more than i should. i'm done trying harder than i need to. i'm done, done, done. because life is awful. and if you don't like me very much, then just be forward about it already. just spit it in my face so i stop trying to be liked. and maybe it has and i just haven't been listening. i need to listen to my friends, my real friends. and sometimes, i really wonder who they are. i only know of one for sure. and even sometimes with her its foggy. i just need to stop trying to live up to everybodies expectations. i need to live for me. i need to feel like i'm worth living for. fuck it melissa, yes you are! you are worth every little ounce of energy you put into yourself. you deserve every good thing in this world. you need to start loving yourself as much as you love others. you need to start fucking living. you need to get your homework done. you need to get a's. you need to be pretty. you need to be skinny. god, grow up already and get yourself together. i wish i was everything people loved in me when they first met me. i wish i could be everything. i wish i didn't feel like this. you know, its funny to read your thoughts put into words. my head just spins and spins and i want to make it stop, i really do. i wish i could. and here my thoughts are spinning again. again, again, again. i'm exhausted and sometimes i just feel like the days that are good aren't worth the bad one's anymore.
am i worth my time?
are you worth my time?

“WHEN YOU LOSE SOMEONE, SOMEONE YOU LOVE. WHEN THEY BREAK YOUR HEART. IT'S THE HARDEST THING YOU COULD EVER GO THROUGH. AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED, IT NEVER REALY GOES AWAY. YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE GETTING BETTER, BUT THEN YOU GET A FLASHBACK OR HEAR A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A MEMORY AND IT HITS YOU ALL OVER AGAIN, ALL AT ONCE, LIKE A STAB IN THE CHEST. YOU FALL APART, FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME. AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND NEVER COME OUT. YOU LOVE THIS PERSON WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART, EVEN THOUGH YOU KKNOW YOU SHOULDN'T. THEY HURT YOU WORSE THAN YOU'VE EVER BEEN HURT. THEY STOLE YOUR HAPPINESS. BUT YET, YOU STILL WANT THEM, AND ONLY THEM. OTHER PEOPLE COME ALONG AND GIVE YOU CHANCES TO MOVE ON, BUT YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO. IT UPSETS YOU THAT YOU MIGHT BE MOVING ON, BECAUSE YOU PROMISED YOU NEVER WOULD. AND EVEN IF THEY BROKE ALL THEIR PROMISES, YOU WANT TO KEEP YOURS, ON TOP OF THAT, YOU'RE TERRIFIED, TERRIFIED OF GETTING HURT AGAIN. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS ANYWAY, AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU'RE STILL THINKING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO HAS LEFT YOU COMPLETELY BROKEN. YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THEM ANYMORE. YOU DON'T WANT TO LOVE THEM ANYMORE, BUT YOU KNOW YOU ALWAYS WILL.”

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

skinny love- bon iver