and as you walk along you pick out the things and the ones that matter in a sea of potential. sometimes you'll get it wrong, and you'll regret the fact that you ever chose them. that you ever wasted your time.
and when i face this fact, head on, thats when i really regret you.
and all of my wasted time.
i could've slept that night, you bastard.
and now, i'm more tired than i've ever been before. and at the same time, your more alive than you've been in years.
or maybe, your just faking it.
i think you are, or atleast thats what i'd like to think. thats what my friends that used to know you think. they didn't know you like i did though. they never memorized your smile.
but when i ask them, they say you look empty. they say i completed you. but people say a lot of things.
tell me what im supposed to believe.
and that night, when i saw you again, really saw you, for the first time since that other night, i saw your eyes light up. in that same lovely way they used to when we were in love. you never stopped loving me. but thats not even the point.
and i really wanted her to be there, so she could see it too.
her, the girl who knows everything.
i wanted so desperately for her to see it, so we could talk about it for years to come.
because even though you left me, one thing i know for sure is that she never will.
so i wanted her to see it, so she could look at me in the future and say, once i've actually found the one of course, "do you remember your first's eyes? well, your forever's look just the same."
and maybe, just because i can think wishfully if i so please, my first might also be my forever.

And maybe the best things weren't meant to last forever. maybe, the best things are the things that happen within one night, without any connection to before and after. maybe thats just how the world works. we get a memory, one little memory, that we're supposed to hold on to for the rest of our lives. one moment. one second. one glorious thing, and then, as subtle as a breath in, its gone. forever lost to the rest of our lives, the rest of our seconds of memories. and sometimes, well most of the time, that saddens me. it makes me want to scream. i want something to last forever, i want the memory to keep on going. because im not done yet, i didn't say everything yet. but, for the millionth time over, i'm not in your head. and i don't know what your thinking. and I want to know. and maybe, its about time i try to make it-us-go on forever. because deep down, i know it more than anything else, that I care about you, and want you, and need you just a teeny bit, and im not done with you yet. but better yet- i know that you aren't done with me yet. atleast i hope so. and there goes me not trusting myself again. i need to learn to trust myself.

My title: around the corner and to the left. I started this blog to find direction. To figure things out. To say what I needed to say, and say it the way I wanted to; without interruption. To let go of my rage. To move on. I always imagined my ideal life was right around the corner. Every time I felt like giving up, and ending it all, I think about how the best thing that might ever happen to me could be coming. I think about how this life that I strive so hard for, might be possible. How the impossible is all behind me, and all I have to do is turn the corner. How every false hope and fake promise can be put out of view. I'm still trying to find my corner to make that lusted left turn on. But it gives me hope to know its there. It gives me hope to know that tomorrow will be ok. It reminds me that I control my life. That I'm not what people say about me. That I'm more than what I show. I started this blog for a place. A place to talk. A place to not hold back. A place to love. A place to live. A place to find direction. A place to be my hoped for life, a life that is around the corner and to the left.

I run. I run to get away. I run so that everything terrible is left behind. I run so I don't have to feel. I run so that you aren't in the present tense. I run to feel something other than hurt, disgust, anguish. I run to heal. I run to forget. I run so I cannot care. I run to breathe. I run from weight, calories. I run so that I have nothing to give. I run towards. I run towards perfection, happiness, possibilities. I run to lose and I run to gain. I run to hear. I run to believe. I run to feel. I run. I move forward because its my only option left. I run and I don't look back. But the thing is, you run too. You move forward. You forget me too. You lose me, and gain somebody else- and I hate it. I want you to stay back there, and stop creeping up and coming back in and screwing me up all over again. I need you to leave. or maybe, i need you to stay. or maybe, i should stop running away.

breakups. the dreaded goodbye. nobody breaks up because they actually want to break up. its always a test. its always one person attempting desperately to see if the other one cares enough to hold on. we never want to leave another. and thats what makes it hurt. especially when you look back, and you think about your life post-breakup and you think about how they haven't ever met the person you've become, and have no idea how you feel, and no understanding whatsoever as to what your life is like. they have no concept of what happened that night, on your end of things. and then, oh and then it comes. the realization: they don't care. and thats when it hits, like a baseball bat hitting the spinning ball coming straight towards it and continuing to fly through the air straight for the stands: a homerun. when you realize you care, and it was always a test. and when you realize you weren't actually in love. because if your in love- you never stop caring. thats the moment. the moment it all comes crashing down and you finally realize- they're gone.
your gone.

people like me. i know they do. they like me but im not good for them. im a piece of chocolate cake. or a fresh baked batch of cookies. or maybe a strawberry shortcake. im good, but not good for you. for anybody. but the thing is, and it gets me everytime, is that im good for you. only you. and you. people like you. you can tell they do. but your not good for them. except for me. your good for me. your good for me in a way that nobody else is. you are. and i might not always like you. in fact, most of the time(or atleast in the past) i've always despised you. but you've always been good for me. even when i didn't believe you were. we fit. and we are perfect in this completely imperfect way. and it just works. we work.

i don't understand. who i am, or what im doing here. im just here. with you. doing whatever we do when its me and you. and we let the world soak into us. but we don't understand. why we were chosen. why we like the feeling. of experience, of life. we are just humans, complicated animals. roaming the world. letting the leaders make the decisions for us. we really aren't that important. and deep down, we know we never will be. but when we're together, it's like we have a future. like there is a reason for life. like what im doing today, will get me somewhere. and maybe thats the problem. we live off lies. one big fucking lie. and its ok for awhile. until its not.
until you go away.

Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

Aah, aah...
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Aah, aah...

mumford and sons- literally wicked awesome.

im in this place, this good place. its happy. happier than i've been in awhile. the people, the places, the conversations. it's good. it's the way i want it. i never thought it would be this easy, to get where i am. but all of a sudden, it just popped up. out of nowhere. like a jack in the box that somebody else wound up. but really, i should of seen this day coming. it was so easy. i just decided that i didn't care anymore, about the stupid people. about the people that hurt me. about the places where everything went wrong. i let go, i moved on. and suddenly, everything was ok. and now i'm happier than ever. so happy that i just want to hug everything in pure delight, just because i can. just hugs, hugs and more hugs. every day, every minute. wrapped up in somebodies arms. anybodies. but in this place, this overly happy place, where the equation equals the right amount-im scared. so scared. frightened. like i don't want to take it overboard. because whenever you go up, you have to go down. i'm scared i'll lose it all. that everything and everybody that makes me happy, will decide that i don't make them happy. and they'll leave. and i'll be crying, because i thought i had them. i thought they wanted me. but they didn't. and it'll be a terrible surprise. it's like im just waiting for the egg to crack, for all the happiness and glitter to spill through in one big rush and i won't have enough time, or energy, to catch it. it's all so scary. and i sit here, and i think about this. maybe a little too much, but thats just me. i just am so happy and so scared at the same time. please, please don't let me lose you.

i like small boobs.
i like hardcore concerts with mosh pits.
i like men.
i like college.
i like Mike's Hard Lemonade.
i like braids.
i like the sky.
i like December.
i like pianos.
i like the ocean.
i like second chances.
i like forgiveness.
i like High School football games.
i like new computers.
i like modesty.
i like fancy cameras.
i like walls covered in pictures.
i like the color yellow.
i like love.
i like a child's artwork.
i like inspiration.
i like people with a different point of view.
i like traveling.
i like reading.
i like washing my face.
i like laughing so hard i cry.
i like not making sense.
i like girls who give long hugs.
i like parties.
i like cupcakes.
i like magazines.
i like acorns.
i like poetry.
i like making lists.
i like thinking.
i like glitter.
i like looking in the mirror, and believing i'm beautiful.
i like lemonade.
i like things.
Obviously.

i'm never good enough for myself. every glance in the mirror, every failed attempt, everything. i'm never ever good enough. for once, i want to be good enough. i want to look in the mirror and think "your alright". not "oh my, just LOOK at you. your gross." but i think it anyways, cause i just can't get past it. i can't get past how fat i am. or how ugly. or how not worth it. i just am stuck in this terrible place that nobody ever wants to be in. but guess who's in it? me.
fuck me.

New Dress A Day

This Blog is all about one woman's search for happiness.
Through vintage clothing and a scissors.

It's definitely one of the most inspirational and creative blogs I've found.

I'm claustrophobic. Cliche expectations weigh me down. They always have. Go to college, get married, have kids. Stay in a mid-sized town just like this one. I'm expected to be normal. I'm claustrophobic. I want out. I want to go. I want to do things. I want to travel. I want to not be normal. I want to live. Experience. I want that. I want so much of it that I don't know what to do with it all. I don't want society's ideas bogging me down like they are now. I want to get up and go. I want to be free. What is life if you don't ever live? If you never leave? If you follow the crowd? WHAT IS THE POINT? High School sucks. I'm going to get it over with. Then I'm out. I'm going to travel, maybe take semesters of school here and there. But I want to travel. I'm claustrophobic. One thing's for sure, I'm going to get out. Graduation will not be a sad time for me. It'll be the key to freedom. Get jobs, go to school, save up money and GO.
GO. GO. GO.
i'm claustrophobic.
i need to go.
Get good grades in high school, so I have my options open. Education is important, so many people fail to see that. Without knowledge, we are worthless. We need information, ON EVERYTHING. Study, learn, process.
I can do this.
I can get out.

I accept you.

Every single part of you.

The part you hate, the part you hide, the part you love too much for your own good.

Every single part-I accept with open arms.

In a world-rather society- that doesn't like acceptance, I do.

I accept you.

Whether you are gay,fat,too skinny, suicidal, happy, normal, weird, unhappy, scared, regretful, old, young, mad, crazy, blind, ugly, loud, shy, bald, lazy, disordered, funny, hypocritical, too nice, fucked-up, boring, sad, high.

Anything.

I accept you for WHO YOU ARE.

Nothing less, ever.

Because no matter who you are, and no matter where you've been- you deserve love.

That is a fact.

You deserve every hug, every smile, every touch.

You deserve it.

You deserve somebody who will love you unconditionally.

You deserve somebody who will be by your side, no matter how awful you've been.

I solemnly swear to be that person.

To everybody I meet.

EVERYBODY deserves a second chance.

YOU INCLUDED.

Nobody deserves to feel like they aren't good enough, like they've messed up too much, like they don't deserve the best.

Because every single person does.

I don't care who they are.

They deserve to be loved unconditionally.

They really do.

You do.

So if anybody who stumbles across this blog post, needs somebody, or even wants somebody:

You can email me.

bougiemelissa@gmail.com

Spill your guts, and I will be there to help you pick up all the pieces and put them back together.
I promise.

Even if you just need a light chat, I will be there.

Why?

Because I accept you.

All of you.

Color Collective

This is one of the most original and creative blogs I've seen yet.
It's well worth checking out, in my opinion.
:)

I want to be happy. I want to be happy with myself, and the world around me. I want to look in the mirror and feel OK. I don't want to feel fat. I want to feel beautiful, and lovable. I want to live my life each day, and find beautiful things. I want to eat three meals a day, and drink my coffee in the morning and my tea at night. I want to play tennis, and piano. I want to spend my time doing glorious things. Things that make me happy. I want to be with my friends, I don't want to push people away anymore. I want to believe in myself. I want to take a risk, get out of my comfort zone. I want to feel a little less comfortable than I am. But I want to be comfortable and happy with myself. People can tell, when your happy with yourself. They can feel it. It's in your energy. NOT in how you look. I want to forget autopilot and actually live my life. I want to listen music, read books, watch movies. I want to live. I don't want to wear myself out with pain of the past. The past is done, I'm ready to live for now. I want to be free with myself, and free with the world. I want to speak my opinion. i want to get sleep tonight. Do yoga in the morning and eat. I want to eat. I want to lose weight too. But the healthy way, I don't want to kill myself. I want to live past 20. I want to be healthy and glowing, not sad and droopy. I want to live. I do, I really do this time. I don't want others to control me. I'm ready to go live now, I'm ready to piece myself back together. I'm ready for something to go right. I'm ready to be happy. I'm ready.

and you know what?
fuck you.

i just don't know how to feel anymore. its like i give and i give and i give. i give so much of myself, i don't feel like i'm living my own life. its never about me, its always about everybody else. and this may sound selfish of me, but i want to live my life now. i want to do my thing. i want somebody to give two shits about my problems. oh don't get me wrong, i love helping people. i love being there for people. i love that, its a big part of my life. and i would never ever want that taken away from me. but sometimes, its just i want to be selfish. i want somebody to make me feel good. i want happiness, i want to feel wanted. i want to be needy. i want somebody to deal with me sometimes. to help me. i can't do it on my own. i just can't. and everybody fails to see that, or at least fails to care. i just want to trust somebody. i want somebody to care. i want somebody to understand. ME ME ME. i want it to be about me. is that really too much to ask?
<3

Never change. What crappy advice. Always change. Grow, evolve, progress. Keep going forward. Change is good, change is real, change is right. Staying the same, always? Where's the fun in that? Where's the happiness? I see none. People tend to not like change because it's scary, or it hurts. But how do we know if there is something better if we never look for it?
Never change? NO. Always change, always move. Its the way life was meant to be lived.

"BECAUSE SOMETIMES PEOPLE DO ACTUALLY FEEL THAT WAY. SOMETIMES YOUR LIFE FEELS LIKE IT'S CAVING IN ON YOU. SOMETIMES PEOPLE REALLY DO FEEL LIKE THEY DON'T WANT TO EXIST, LIKE THEY WANT TO JUST CURL UP IN A BALL, AND GO INTO THAT PLACE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH. SAYING "I DON'T WANT TO EXIST" ISN'T SAYING "I WANT TO GO DIE". IT'S SAYING "I WISH THAT, FOR THE TIME BEING, I COULD GO SOMEWHERE AND NOT HAVE TO FEEL". I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO FEEL THIS WAY, THEN YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO JUDGE ANYONE WHO DOES."
i found this on The Inky Finger Files but felt it fit my life at the moment, so borrowed it.

i think we are much too obsessed with death. its always "I want to die a good person" "if i die, who will be at my funeral?" "I would say this and that at so-and-so's funeral" "my true friends will show up at my funeral" why not life? why not "I want to live a good person"? why not "If something goes wrong, who will be there to pick me back up"? why not, "if i could say anything to so-and-so this is what i would say"? why not "My true friends are the ones who will be there to experience the world with me"? who cares about death anyways, because once your out, your out. and there is nothing you can do about it. i know one thing for sure, i don't want to be around people who are preoccupied with death. i don't want people to think that in order to mean something to me, they have to show up at my funeral. my defining moment is not my death, but my life. i want people who will relish in life with me. who will read good books, listen to music, take long road trips. somebody who is willing to breathe every breath with me. somebody who will see the beauty in everything, instead of passing right by it. life is not about death. life is about life. death is "the end" on the last page of the book. what is more important? the story, or the final two words? death is the silence at the end of a song, before the next one starts. but that silence is not what defines the song, the song defines the song. death is when your parked in the drive-way at the end of a road trip. but that last second before opening the car door is not the most important part of the trip. we fail to remember that. and I pledge, that during life I will not think about death. because i have the rest of eternity after death to think about death. while i am living, i will think about life. in the end, that's all we have anyways. is our life. and the lives to follow ours.

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This little bungalow with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's till the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's cracked leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses
White Houses- Vanessa Carlton

sometimes, i think, we get so caught up in something that we forget who we are and what we want. we relish in this new something and it feels nice not to be so alone. more than nice, even. we feel good. and we forget that this isn't what we really want. we forget our expectations and settle for something that makes us feel good, even if it doesn't feel right. and then, when that something gets taken away from you, you feel incredibly sad. and its not because being away from that something feels wrong, but because we are alone again. However, after awhile we realize that being alone isn't so bad and then we start to realize just how wrong that something was. and then we realize not to waste our time with feeling good, because most of the time good equals wrong and alright equals right. i mean, look at it. alright even has the word right in it. so after we look at the facts, we start to feel happy because we know that even though we had that big emotional roller coaster, we are actually closer to right than wrong and thats all we really wanted anyways, right? and then when we are all happy a new something comes along, but this time, the something is right because now, after everything is said and done, we can tell the difference between right and wrong. and then, even though we are caught up entirely in this new something, we still understand who we are and what we want, and that maybe by finding this right, we can begin to realize we are all wrong.

i have lots to say. and here is where i'll say it.