i've fucked up one too many times. all i ever do is fuck up. everything. every good thing. every bad thing. i fuck it up. i waste time. time time time. i need it. and i need a fucking vacation. i curse too much. i weigh too much. i fight too much. i cry too much. i never do the things i should. i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. i expect too much. too much. my life has become utterly too much for me to take. and even though im so fucking lost i can barely breathe, i want to lose myself. i want to lose the confusion and just go fuck everything up and pretend i don't care. i want to steal the fucking car and go drive. right now. i got my license yesterday. and i want to go drive. somewhere. anywhere. i just would really like that. there's nothing i would like more. maybe i will. right now. go driving. but maybe i won't. fuck. im going to. i want to go do something for me. that i want to do in the moment and not worry about everything else i have to and want to do. i just want to go drive.
fuck this shit.

im making the decision. once and for all. to lose the weight. to make the best from what i've lost. to move on. to value and treat well the friends i have and care less about the other ones. to thrive. to read and write with everything i have. to learn from my mistakes. to work hard in all i do. to get a boy. to live. to remember this is not the final chapter. the.world. will. keep. spinning. it does not end here. my life will not be summed up with this. i am making the decision to make sure that happens. i will do everything i've always wanted to. i will. i swear to fucking god. i will shine brighter than any of those who ever tried to bring me down.
i am making the decision to rise above.