“I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.”

-Augustus Waters (The Fault in Our Stars by John Green)

The bright lights rushed through the ceilling and landed right on your scars, right on your left wrist. And I looked. It was one of those looks you didn't think about, you just looked there and you saw something you shouldn't of seen. Like when your roomate is undressing and you turn around and accidentily get a glimpse and you just feel so bad because some things, really, should just be private. But then you get that glimpse. Of the parts they have only seen themselves, and maybe you even get a glimpse of the parts they don't even show themselves. But you saw, you looked. And I saw. Those deep, almost faded scars and it told me everything that I needed to know: you are damaged goods. But then everything felt right, because then I showed you me too, all the dirty laundry, all the damaged goods. And thats why, that's why all this happened. That's why I'm marrying you tomorrow, and that's why I let you meet my family, even though you're not what they want for me, and thats why every tuesday night we go get doughnuts and thats why I haven't sacrificed anything for you. Because I didn't need to. You wouldn't let me.

And that- and this- is why.


Side note: I started looking through some of my drafts and found this and thought it was beautiful and its fiction but its me and I wrote this and this is something I tried to say so I should let myself say it. 

I feel like, sometimes, life starts to come full circle. And now that I'm approaching my senior year of high school, and in a little less than a year I will be forced to move on from 18 years of my life, everything has started to spin. Who I was back then, who I am now and the path between those two people. I've fucked up. I have. These past few years- this blog- has been my sincere documentation of that fuck up. And thats why I love this blog so much. Because every time my heart is just bursting- I blog. I write it out as eloquently as I can. Because I want somebody to look at it and read it and I want their heart to burst in ways they would never normally let it. And then I want them to squeeze the heart-bursting emotion right up close to their chest and feel its breath. I want to make the world come alive within the deepness. I want everybody to feel the tradgedy and the glory and the movement of life. I want people to observe as much as they live. I want people to feel. Because we all get so cold. We get bitter and our breaking hearts freeze into place and we stop trying to put the pieces back together. And then we go on autopilot. And I have struggled everyday of my life to continue to feel. To get mad. To be joyful. To breathe in fresh air. And everyday, as I continue to feel, my heart breaks even more. And maybe thats all life is, our hearts breaking more and more fully everyday in empathy for the world and its people. Atleast thats how I feel. I feel broken and incomplete. Rejected and failed. Sad and anxious and mad as hell. I am mad as hell. I'm mad he left so freely. I'm mad she let herself go so far. I'm mad I lost my sense of myself. I'm mad I'm never good enough. 

I'm so mad. And sometimes, anger comes out differently. Anger is not all fists and screams. Anger is insane empathy and tight hugs and gained weight. Anger is overslept teenagers and gentle kisses and full laughter. Anger is our life. Anger is life. We are angry at God and angry at humanity and angry that we aren't perfect. We are angry we are the problem instead of the solution. And at the core of ourselves, we are angry that we can't ever control that.