im supposed to turn 16 tomorrow.my golden birthday. my sweet sixteen. this is supposed to be THE best year of my LIFE. and its going to suck. i can feel it. because growing up doesnt go year by year. growing up, high school, the whole lot takes more than one year. and at new years i thought to myself, "last year sucked, last year i was unhappy, last year i changed incredibly. so next year is going to be wonderful,im going to be beautiful and wonderful and smart and motivated and everything is going to be perfect." but i was, am and will always be wrong. life doesn't flip over. you can only turn a new page so far. there are no chapters in this book. the story, it keeps on going. but i want it to stop. i want everything to get better. and i know that means i need to get better. but how do i get better? how do i feel better? when does growing up stop and living start? i need a sign, a signal.i need a trip, i need a hug, i need a good book. i need a friend. i need to be let free. is this how a caged bird feels? i need to take myself, my life, a little less seriously. i need to feel like im not trapped. and maybe, i just have to stop doing what others tell me. i need to believe in what i want to believe in. i need to go to college. do i think im going to be ok? no. but probably, yes. in reality, i just don't know. we just don't know. because i don't see how pain can ever stop, or happiness ever cease. we are born into reality. and reality sucks. but i remember how happy i used to be. i remember noah coming over to play. and mikey walking home with me after school. i remember emily and me telling each other made up love stories. and erin cuddling with me on the couch. i remeber faking i was asleep so i could skip my shot one more night. and practicing my song so hard for my piano recital that once i got up there, i completely froze and screwed it up. i remember my dad driving me around while i cried and cried, on two occasions. and how i could feel nothing. i remember jade. and paige rubbing my arm. i remember not wanting to take my shirt off. and how much i loved being loved. i remember all the prayers. and how god never answered any of them. i remember how good it felt to be in his arms. and how little he knew me. i remember how much you needed me to fight for you. and how much it fucked me up. i remember looking in the mirror. and hating what i saw. i remember how much i wanted to get married. and how much i pretend now that i don't. i remember the secret world that lived in my head. and how much i adored tuna casserole. i remember the days after her. and how my strength had been stolen. i want it back, my strength. give it back to me, now. tomorrow is the day. i turn 16. and thats how old you were when you did that terrible thing to me. those terrible things. i was 13. i am now 16. you are a piece of filthy shit. and you didn't kill all of me, i am still here. i win. you lose.