You know, I'm a little angry at myself. Because this blog used to be my private space. A space where I went when I needed to say what I needed to say- without anybody in my real life reading it. When I wanted to talk about the things that were literally gutting me. But then I made the mistake of sharing it. I shared my private space. I shared my private longings and hopes and fears and desperate moments and highs and lows. I shared it. I put this link on twitter, and facebook, and my tumblr and I hate myself for it. I am really, really, really not sure where the appeal to do that came from. Maybe because I wanted to share. Maybe because I wanted somebody to know. But I'm starting to believe that there isn't as much glamour in openness as some may believe.

In fact, I think there is very little glamour in sharing anything. Because once you share- it's out there, it's now taken as fact. I can't take anything back. And what I liked about this space for myself is that I could take my words back. But when somebody you know sees your words, they take it as fact because they then assume that everything you say you mean. But the thing is, I don't believe that everything we think we mean- so how in any way could everything I say be what I mean?

I need a space to be in conflict with myself. I need a space where I can say one thing, and then say another thing. Because the truth of this all is, is that I'm growing up. I'm 18 years old and I'm not quite sure about anything. I'm not quite sure about a lot. And the point of being not quite sure is contradicting yourself every once in awhile. Or more than every once in awhile. Maybe all the awhile. Maybe all you do is contradict yourself. Maybe that's the point of not being sure- you see both sides and you still can't choose.

I cannot choose. I am a chronic non-decision maker. And now I can't decide if I'm gay. Like it's something I think I'm supposed to decide. All I know at this point is this: I want to kiss girls. I want to eat girls out. I want to be eaten out by girls. I want to touch boobs. I want to lay in bed with a girl and have an extremely intimate conversation about life with her. And I want to touch her while we do this. I want to touch girls. I want to put my arms around them. I want to feel them with me. I want to come home to a girl every night and walk up behind her as she makes dinner and kiss her. I want to have awful screaming terrible fights with a girl. I want to be on the edge of destruction with a girl and back off from the cliff just in time all in the name of love. I want to do this all with a girl. Or girls. I want to read the newspaper with a girl. I want to make coffee for a girl.

Does this make me gay? What if I said I still think that some of that still sounds good with a man? What if I said I didn't mind/actually enjoyed making out+ with men? Does this then make me not gay? Does this then make me bi? And what if I have had experiences with men, but have never once had an experience with a girl? Does that make all of this not even credible? But what if society is so fucked that I actually am sort of forced to come out as lesbian, just so I can have an experience with a girl? Since I have no lesbian friends/acquaintances/people that I know?

Do you see this crazy list of questions? Do you see how it's all just one big cycle of not knowing? Do you see how I can never fully feel that I am GAY or STRAIGHT or BI because it really just comes down to the feelings in the moment?

And then it's like- what about the other stuff? The stuff that I've done, or said, that are "clues" about my sexuality?

Like the one time in the car with my mom when I was really little when I asked if girls were allowed to get married. The thought had actually just popped into my mind, as a young little child, having no sort of exposure to gay people in my life. I literally thought of this all on my own. And to make matters even worse, after my mom's whole explanation about how it's only in some states and Canada or something, I said, with all the dignity of (literally) a four year old child:

"I think I want to marry a girl. They're just nicer."

Oh, the terror. But really guys-tell me, is that conversation supposed to actually add to the ever evolving case that I might be gay? What about the fact that when I watch porn/masturbate it's only to girl on girl stuff. IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ANOTHER POINT OF EVIDENCE THAT MELISSA BOUGIE IS CLASS A GAY?????

What about the fact that I don't wear makeup/ don't paint my nails? IS THIS SUPPOSED TO INDICATE MY GAYNESS?

What about the other fact that I have had REALLY VERY A LOT MUCH intense and involved friendships with females? Is that even an indicator?

Really the point of all of this is to say this: I don't know. I don't know. Because I have never once touched a girl in any sort of romantic fashion. But I would like to. Is that enough?

And what happens if I totally fuck a girl and it sucks? Do I just say "Hey, hahaha jokes on all of you- not gay!" Is that what I'm supposed to do?

And now, after all of this, can we now just point out the fact that these questions have been present and pressing and considered and discharged and re-evaluated and edited and examined and all this again and again for going on six years now? SIX YEARS OF DEBATING MY GAYNESS PROBABLY MEANS I'M GAY RIGHT?

And the verdict still stands: I just don't know. But I think, at least for now, I'm gay.