I've realized that I haven't posted here for quite some time. For months. I can feel the gaps of time widening and widening and I'm starting to recognize that those widening gaps are signs that it's time to move on.

And so what I want this post to be about is how I'm ready to move on.

I'm not sure who all reads this blog, or even if anybody does. I've learned recently that I can't ultimately really know who is all seeing anything. I'm posting on the internet. The internet is vast and incredible and very much an open, free space in which anybody can see anything.

I hope none of what I've said here has cause any harm. And I don't want to end this all in one big apology. I don't want to apologize for what I've said or where I've said it or even how I've said it. But I want to apologize for harm done. I want to apologize for that. It was not my place or my intention to harm anybody in the crafting of these words.

But unfortunately, in this world, simply by our very truthful existence we cause harm. We've all caused harm. But I don't think that diminishes the fact that we should apologize for it. So I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for what these words have done to you, if they've done you harm. If they made you feel helpless to me, or unimportant, or misinformed, or if they've made you feel as though you've failed.

Failure isn't real. Nobody has really failed. You have not failed me. I hope so thoroughly that I have not failed you.

This blog was my first step into writing. It was my first step into the unknown of who I am and who I was and figuring out the materials I am made of. I experienced love and heartbreaks and betrayal and numbness and grief and highs so high that I think I burst out of this very universe and into another one. I have been so happy and so alive. I have been so sad and so dead. High school was a ride. So college will be. Life is so many things that I do not know yet.

Let me tell you that I feel so much love for the person I was in each and every one of these posts. I feel so much love for that lost girl that said the things she said at the times she said them. I'm realizing everyday how important that concept is. Saying the things you say at the times you say them. I still want to be a writer. I don't know if this blog is proof that I already am.

Words have been a saving grace for me. Words have filled me up. Words have spilled over the top of the mug like coffee and burned my thighs. They have burned me and healed me.

I'm very grateful for you having read these words on this blog at the times you did and in the ways that you did. I'm very grateful for your comments and for your love, even if I had no idea you were saying them or feeling it for me. I'm very grateful for all the times and things and ways people experience me even if I have no idea that they are. Thank you for experiencing me. It has made a difference. I believe thoughts and feelings and comments about other people are prayers for them. I pray for all of you through my thoughts and my ideas and my words and my love.

Do you ever just lay in bed, and think about somebody, and consciously put all the love you can muster into your thoughts for them?

I think that is a beautiful prayer.

I don't know if I believe in God but I believe in praying. And I believe in feeling. And I believe in writing. And I believe in all of you.

I really, truly do.

I believe in this blog. I believe in all the ways it has manifested itself and I believe in the time period that it existed in. I won't be deleting anything because I've learned the hazards of deleting and I've learned that even if you delete the physical evidence of something, its actuality in your mind never quite gets deleted along with it.

I think that's a remarkable thing, the way our minds allow for things to live on even if it's only a distortion of the ways things actually were in their physical form. I think our minds are remarkable things.

High school was a time. This blog was a time. But I've realized it's over. This blog is over. High school is over. But words are not over. Words are never over. They just take new spaces. My words are taking new spaces. I'm finding that my words have now taken a public over private form. Maybe that's something that needed to happen and did. Maybe it's something I worked consciously for. I don't know. I just know my words need a new space. They feel so lovely here on this blog. My words feel very comfortable here and maybe I'm trying to fix a good thing but it's the choice I'm making.

I want you all to know love. I hope very greatly that this blog has given you some sort of love, some sort of ache, some sort of piece of my heart.

All of these words on this blog are little pieces of my heart and I hope you've been able to hold them. Lord knows, my heart needs holding. Lord knows all of our hearts need some holding.

I had lots to say. And here is where I said it.