And maybe the best things weren't meant to last forever. maybe, the best things are the things that happen within one night, without any connection to before and after. maybe thats just how the world works. we get a memory, one little memory, that we're supposed to hold on to for the rest of our lives. one moment. one second. one glorious thing, and then, as subtle as a breath in, its gone. forever lost to the rest of our lives, the rest of our seconds of memories. and sometimes, well most of the time, that saddens me. it makes me want to scream. i want something to last forever, i want the memory to keep on going. because im not done yet, i didn't say everything yet. but, for the millionth time over, i'm not in your head. and i don't know what your thinking. and I want to know. and maybe, its about time i try to make it-us-go on forever. because deep down, i know it more than anything else, that I care about you, and want you, and need you just a teeny bit, and im not done with you yet. but better yet- i know that you aren't done with me yet. atleast i hope so. and there goes me not trusting myself again. i need to learn to trust myself.

My title: around the corner and to the left. I started this blog to find direction. To figure things out. To say what I needed to say, and say it the way I wanted to; without interruption. To let go of my rage. To move on. I always imagined my ideal life was right around the corner. Every time I felt like giving up, and ending it all, I think about how the best thing that might ever happen to me could be coming. I think about how this life that I strive so hard for, might be possible. How the impossible is all behind me, and all I have to do is turn the corner. How every false hope and fake promise can be put out of view. I'm still trying to find my corner to make that lusted left turn on. But it gives me hope to know its there. It gives me hope to know that tomorrow will be ok. It reminds me that I control my life. That I'm not what people say about me. That I'm more than what I show. I started this blog for a place. A place to talk. A place to not hold back. A place to love. A place to live. A place to find direction. A place to be my hoped for life, a life that is around the corner and to the left.

I run. I run to get away. I run so that everything terrible is left behind. I run so I don't have to feel. I run so that you aren't in the present tense. I run to feel something other than hurt, disgust, anguish. I run to heal. I run to forget. I run so I cannot care. I run to breathe. I run from weight, calories. I run so that I have nothing to give. I run towards. I run towards perfection, happiness, possibilities. I run to lose and I run to gain. I run to hear. I run to believe. I run to feel. I run. I move forward because its my only option left. I run and I don't look back. But the thing is, you run too. You move forward. You forget me too. You lose me, and gain somebody else- and I hate it. I want you to stay back there, and stop creeping up and coming back in and screwing me up all over again. I need you to leave. or maybe, i need you to stay. or maybe, i should stop running away.

breakups. the dreaded goodbye. nobody breaks up because they actually want to break up. its always a test. its always one person attempting desperately to see if the other one cares enough to hold on. we never want to leave another. and thats what makes it hurt. especially when you look back, and you think about your life post-breakup and you think about how they haven't ever met the person you've become, and have no idea how you feel, and no understanding whatsoever as to what your life is like. they have no concept of what happened that night, on your end of things. and then, oh and then it comes. the realization: they don't care. and thats when it hits, like a baseball bat hitting the spinning ball coming straight towards it and continuing to fly through the air straight for the stands: a homerun. when you realize you care, and it was always a test. and when you realize you weren't actually in love. because if your in love- you never stop caring. thats the moment. the moment it all comes crashing down and you finally realize- they're gone.
your gone.

people like me. i know they do. they like me but im not good for them. im a piece of chocolate cake. or a fresh baked batch of cookies. or maybe a strawberry shortcake. im good, but not good for you. for anybody. but the thing is, and it gets me everytime, is that im good for you. only you. and you. people like you. you can tell they do. but your not good for them. except for me. your good for me. your good for me in a way that nobody else is. you are. and i might not always like you. in fact, most of the time(or atleast in the past) i've always despised you. but you've always been good for me. even when i didn't believe you were. we fit. and we are perfect in this completely imperfect way. and it just works. we work.

i don't understand. who i am, or what im doing here. im just here. with you. doing whatever we do when its me and you. and we let the world soak into us. but we don't understand. why we were chosen. why we like the feeling. of experience, of life. we are just humans, complicated animals. roaming the world. letting the leaders make the decisions for us. we really aren't that important. and deep down, we know we never will be. but when we're together, it's like we have a future. like there is a reason for life. like what im doing today, will get me somewhere. and maybe thats the problem. we live off lies. one big fucking lie. and its ok for awhile. until its not.
until you go away.

Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

Aah, aah...
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Aah, aah...

mumford and sons- literally wicked awesome.