time has passed. and i've had so much to say between then and now, but just haven't had the words. and i can honestly say thats the worst feeling in the world. having everything to say and no way to say it. well, thats me in the picture. in new york city. it was breathtaking. i felt a peace there- but a strange one. the city spurred and stirred and stripped and moved and shaked my soul and afterwards, on the flight home, i felt new. i'm starting to believe that life gives you what you need when you need it. and ineeded that- to feel new. i needed to feel like i had life beyond me, beyond the present, beyond my lonely life of a present. that a single life is much, much smaller than the wholeness of life. New York City taught me that. with all the people and all the parts it taught me to be a piece of a puzzle instead of the entire puzzle itself, which is what i had always expected myself to be. However, that's way to big a job for me, a human, a single life. and the puzzle of life transfers over time in such a vast way that nobody could ever possibly understand their singular importance in any human context. it is beyond us. the world is beyond us. i've learned to stop trying to figure it all out- because it's just impossible. and not in a "we can defy the impossible" sort of way. In an "it's actually completely impossible" sort of way. And i'm learning to accept that. i'm learning to accept that i cannot possibly be the puzzle because i cannot, first of all, live for all time because some amount of time has already passed for which I have not lived, and because I am human and humanity is so disgustingly limited. We are limited. But we are a part of many limits that together are unlimited.

If only I actually made sense.

I don't really know what to say tonight. About anything. But I'm compelled to write- write something. But you sort of need something to say in order to write. And I've realized that this has sort of become my diary. And I think, I think I'm ok with it. I think I'm ok with the fact that 16 different strangers are reading my innermost thoughts. That's sort of strange though, don't you think? That I won't tell a single living breathing named soul these thoughts, but I will pour them out online and allow faceless strangers to comment? I don't know the type of people I am allowing to see these thoughts- to hear them, so to speak. And maybe you can really hear them? The voice each and every one of you has made me out to be, ringing and echoing against your skull, maybe they have been heard.

I, I have been heard.

If only every single soul in this lonely world had that luxury.

I am, forever, grateful.

You know, I could really go on and on about how depressing and worthless my life is. How everybody and everything that matters to me, has decided I don't matter to them. But in this one fleeting moment, I won't. I won't complain that my best friend is really just a half-assed acquaintance and that I desperately want a boyfriend, but am too fat to have one. And that my mother hates me and that I hate my mother.Oh, and that I feel like my life is crashing in on me and nobody accepts me and that I look disgusting and that I need help and... This could go on and on. I could make it all perfectly poetic, and maybe, in some sickly way, beautiful. I could deceive you all and make myself look and seem almost god-like.
But I'm not. And my life isn't anywhere near poetic. And so I'm not even going to start- tonight, I've finished before I've started. This little self-pity fest, just for tonight, is done with. Over. Out the door.
And maybe, this one little decision on this one little gloomy night means that everything that went wrong, is finally about to go right.
Hope has shown its pale, adolescent face.

I left and returned as two different people. And it feels weird to be back. It feels weird to be thrown back into a mold of a life I created blindly and not for my pleasure. And now I have to live in it, and dance in it and smile in it. And the thing is, I don't fit my mold. For some reason, my heart aches. Maybe for the people I met while away, maybe for the person within myself that I left. Maybe for the life I'm about to go live now. Maybe it was for all of this and more. I can tell you one thing, though. I don't really know what is about to happen to me, and who is about to touch me. But I know I'm ready for what I wasn't before this trip. I'm ready for love, I'm ready for friendship. I'm staring at life with big, bright sixteen year old eyes and saying "Bring it on."

It's powerful. We are powerful. You, you are the most powerful person to have walked across this breathing earth. Power is between our ribs and in our toes.

Each of us has a place, a spot where our soul opens up, our heart literally cracking through our chest. Just opening, letting the light in. Some find this place in a lover, a friend, a person, a child. Others, in a musical instrument, a belief in God. Many find it in a paintbrush, or a pencil. But me, I found it in a convergence of latitude and longitude . And since I was eight, for a week each year, I come and came to this place and more and more, over the expansion of time, my heart opens as my mind clouds. I can't really tell what it is about the place, however. It could be the little shops, filled with delicately hand made jewelry, and fudge and works of art. Or maybe its the sunset, in all its glory shining across the water. Or it could possibly be the roads, practically touching the store fronts and cottages. But maybe it's the food, the abundance of delicate, delicious food. But I really don't know, and I'm confident I will never quite understand my absolute and unconditional love for this beautiful place. But thats the beauty in beautiful. We will all never quite know why this person, thing, place, continually cracks open our hearts more and more and even more than it did before. But this place is my other half, the missing part of my soul that fulfills me to this outstanding, incredible amount. Because within all its faults and downfalls and imperfections it is absolutely perfect. It kind of pains me though, that my other half is not a person, and that I have to break this expectation of finding a person, I feel like this for, because, really thats all I've ever wanted. But maybe, the plan is for a person to feel like this about me. I could be some persons other half, or "soulmate". But, I can never find a person I personally love this greatly, because I've found it, that thing, that just does it for me. And it's so sad and great at the same time, because within all my soul's returns to this earth, I truly, truly believe that each time- I have found this place. Within all my different names, and personalities and looks and sexuality's and every other human limitation, I have found my home, my connection to the being of human in this place. And I believe that so does every person, so does every soul have this same experience, this same finding of the part thats missing and its never changing, as your soul, through all its leaps and bounds- never changes. This, to me, this single belief and theory, makes more sense to me than any other belief system and religion and theory of life to ever have been shown to me. This, to me, is the destiny- the "life" of soul.

Come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the sea is just a wetter version of the skies

Let’s get a silver bullet trailer and have a baby boy
I’ll safety-pin his clothes all cool and you’ll grafitti up his toys
I’ve got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget
I’ve got a perfect body cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
Yes, they do, they do…

Now i’ve been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide come in to take me home
I get scared, and I’m sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song…

Maybe one day you will understand
I don’t want nothing from you but to sweetly hold your hand
Till that day just please don’t be so down
Don’t make frowns, you silly clown

Just come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the waves are just a frothier version of the skies

There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes…

Regina Spektor- Folding Chair

i hate endings. hate. and even though its the last day of school, nothings really ending. maybe i just hate when i see time moving. and how people are all connected to that time. as much as we try to break the barriers of time, we are connected. and so when i see time moving and breaking and forming- i just can't take it. because i realize how trapped i am. and how trapped everybody else is. and then i realize- im the only one who sees it. and i feel so unbelievably alone. for once, i want to miss it. i don't want to see it happening. i want to be one of those people that are just so happy and excited that they miss the whole: wow, life is moving moment. but that will never be me. i've always got one eye on my life, and one eye on the universe.
sometimes, i swear i can hear people praying.
that was a joke.

im learning to breathe. everyday. to stop worrying. im learning that life is beautiful and that this world is even more so. im learning that love is love and people are people and life is life. im learning that it all doesn't matter as much as i think it does and that everything, everything is absolutely wonderful because everything makes me human. and not some half-human piece of perfection. but a human, with love pumping through my veins and hair sprouting from my head and words melting to the ends of my fingertips. and i can't even believe its taken my this long to breathe. to relax already. but i don't want to waste another minute with tears and sorrow and broken pieces. i want to be human.

so here's the thing: i threatened. i pleaded. i cried. i did everything i possibly could to make things go my way. to stop my heart from breaking and you from defining me. But you keep doing it, over and over. You make or break my day. And I just can't do it anymore. And maybe you're not losing anything by me walking out. Maybe this was your motive all along. Fine. Joke's on me. I failed, I'm losing. But you know what, really, I'm not. You are. Who's going to be there when your world's crashing in? Because before it was me. But you can't ever live up to anything you promise. and thats your problem. because im so done letting you define me. and im so done letting you dictate my life. and i should have been so done so much earlier. you shouldn't have been able to dig so deep into me. but you did. you really did. and maybe thats what you wanted. to dig so deep that there would be no way for me to find the dirt to fill the hole back in. but i swear i will find the dirt. and it will be no thanks to you. i have spent my whole life, well really, maybe only these past few years, so afraid of being alone. but i can be alone. because really, haven't i been all along? hasn't this all just been one big fucking joke? its a sick joke, for sure. because it was my soul, and my heart at risk. you're all taken care of. and you are so, so good at making me feel important when you know your going to lose me. but for once, i want to be important instead of just feel it. and trust me, i know the difference. im smart. how do you think i got you through all those crisis's when she just didn't understand? it wasn't because of luck. its because im smart. i mean for fucks sake, i even gave you advice on how to give her advice. and i bet that worked out perfectly, didn't it? well, of course it did. and now you're all happy and shes all happy and everything is just a big fucking happy fest. so, ok. i get it. but this was the last straw, and you knew it. you knew it. so i'm saying fuck you with a capital f. and maybe, just for kicks, a capital y.
Fuck You.

each moment contains its own complicated theory. i don't trust my own mind, my own perspective. so i assume the perspective of another. decide on what their thinking. because i don't feel i know enough myself. i feel naive. and stupid. and uninteresting. boring. and wrong. thats the most important one- i feel wrong. like my step isn't on beat and my voice is a little flat and the room is a little too hot and my zits are protruding and there's dirt under my nails. so i climb into another skin and see out their perfectly round, greenish-brownish eyeballs and make it up as i go.
its my own little show inside my own little head.
and its all wrong.

everything seems to be about the number on the scale. how much weight i am. how heavy. i never quite understood those people that pushed for so much room, who just make so much room for themselves and complain when they don't get it. i crawl into a little ball and try to take up the least amount of space possible. try to plop myself into a corner of space, an inch, and hope nobody gets annoyed with my presence. but some just think they deserve space for being alive. you do not deserve space. your over-sized body is not the equivalent of respect. i scorn on your extra room you feel you deserve. stop asking, and try to answer.

who are we? we've escaped. i used to have all these feelings and now, I don't. and so what are you? i don't know why i keep trying to make you so important. i dont understand myself. but now that you're not, i just don't know what to do. when i decide something, i mean it.
and i hate that i have to tell you things about me.
you should just know.
and its not because you're a guy or whatever or that people can't "read my mind" because i have met people who just know things about me. who know how i act. who love it. and i should be making them important.
but the thing is, they already are.
so thats why i'm so focused on you.
or maybe, for some reason larger than both of us.
or maybe.

i've fucked up one too many times. all i ever do is fuck up. everything. every good thing. every bad thing. i fuck it up. i waste time. time time time. i need it. and i need a fucking vacation. i curse too much. i weigh too much. i fight too much. i cry too much. i never do the things i should. i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. i expect too much. too much. my life has become utterly too much for me to take. and even though im so fucking lost i can barely breathe, i want to lose myself. i want to lose the confusion and just go fuck everything up and pretend i don't care. i want to steal the fucking car and go drive. right now. i got my license yesterday. and i want to go drive. somewhere. anywhere. i just would really like that. there's nothing i would like more. maybe i will. right now. go driving. but maybe i won't. fuck. im going to. i want to go do something for me. that i want to do in the moment and not worry about everything else i have to and want to do. i just want to go drive.
fuck this shit.

im making the decision. once and for all. to lose the weight. to make the best from what i've lost. to move on. to value and treat well the friends i have and care less about the other ones. to thrive. to read and write with everything i have. to learn from my mistakes. to work hard in all i do. to get a boy. to live. to remember this is not the final chapter. the.world. will. keep. spinning. it does not end here. my life will not be summed up with this. i am making the decision to make sure that happens. i will do everything i've always wanted to. i will. i swear to fucking god. i will shine brighter than any of those who ever tried to bring me down.
i am making the decision to rise above.

i want you to call me. i want you to have something to say to me. anything. everything. please find some worth in dialing me up. text me, say you miss me. tell me you want to have a sleepover. because i keep trying. i keep holding on. i keep calling you my best friend. so be my best friend. please. because i really need you. honestly, sometimes i feel, well most of the time i feel, like your my only true friend. but you dont even call me anymore. im always the one to text first. and i try to bring it up with you, but you always brush it off. please, please don't leave me. don't ever leave me. because i have no one to replace you with. but you have everyone to replace me with. and its like, i see all of these "best friends" together. and they're so good together. they're so happy. they're always there for each other. they always put each other first. and thats why i dont understand. you say your my best friend, but then i feel like i can't call you when i need you. truth is, i really miss you. ok? i miss laughing with you. i miss you spilling your guts. i miss spilling my guts. i miss our sleepovers. i miss how you make me feel ok. i miss it. and i miss you. and just, fuck. why cant you miss me? please, just miss me. please, call me. please, care how im doing. please. because your supposed to be my best friend. and i've tried bringing it up with you. but you don't ever change. you, never, ever change. fuck. fuck. fuck. whats so wrong with me? whats so terrible about me? why am i so wrong? please just- i dont even know what to say-care? be my best friend again. because i really, really miss you. just, please tell me the things i want to hear. but don't lie to me either. im sorry i keep telling you what to do. i just really miss you. and im begging you, please don't push me away anymore. because i really, really care about you. and i don't know what to do.
and if you cared, this is what i would say:
i cry too much, i feel so lost. i push myself too hard. i take myself too seriously. i want to travel the world- thats my dream. i dont feel like i deserve anything. i've stopped eating again. i feel like nobody at my new school likes me very much. they always have somebody they like more. i just want to feel ok again. i think about killing myself practically every day.

please want to hear it all.

im sick of looking forward.
and im sick of looking back.
i want to live for now.
i want to dance in the rain.
as cliche as it sounds,
and as cliche as i am,
i just want to dance in the rain.
and i want you to love me with everything you have.
i want to stay up late and drink coffee with you.
i want a small house in the middle of the country.
just me, you and the stars.
the stars in the country,
they shine brighter than i ever will.
and will you make me happy?
tell me every word i've been longing to hear.
sing me songs before i fall asleep.
and when i grow up,
i want to be happy.
i think i get too caught up.
i feel pressured to be something big, something grand.
something out of the ordinary.
i don't need to be so special.
and maybe i'm just a big waste of potential.
but whats potential without happiness?
what am i without you?
who are you without love?
what is love?
tell me, tell me how to stop.
stop me from looking.
i want to dance in the rain.

and maybe i'm just trying to be perfect. and i can't help but get hurt by your words. "its nice to just vent to somebody sometimes who actually listens" -oh fuck you. i listen. i'm just done with everybody. i'm done caring more than i should. i'm done trying harder than i need to. i'm done, done, done. because life is awful. and if you don't like me very much, then just be forward about it already. just spit it in my face so i stop trying to be liked. and maybe it has and i just haven't been listening. i need to listen to my friends, my real friends. and sometimes, i really wonder who they are. i only know of one for sure. and even sometimes with her its foggy. i just need to stop trying to live up to everybodies expectations. i need to live for me. i need to feel like i'm worth living for. fuck it melissa, yes you are! you are worth every little ounce of energy you put into yourself. you deserve every good thing in this world. you need to start loving yourself as much as you love others. you need to start fucking living. you need to get your homework done. you need to get a's. you need to be pretty. you need to be skinny. god, grow up already and get yourself together. i wish i was everything people loved in me when they first met me. i wish i could be everything. i wish i didn't feel like this. you know, its funny to read your thoughts put into words. my head just spins and spins and i want to make it stop, i really do. i wish i could. and here my thoughts are spinning again. again, again, again. i'm exhausted and sometimes i just feel like the days that are good aren't worth the bad one's anymore.
am i worth my time?
are you worth my time?

“WHEN YOU LOSE SOMEONE, SOMEONE YOU LOVE. WHEN THEY BREAK YOUR HEART. IT'S THE HARDEST THING YOU COULD EVER GO THROUGH. AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED, IT NEVER REALY GOES AWAY. YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE GETTING BETTER, BUT THEN YOU GET A FLASHBACK OR HEAR A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A MEMORY AND IT HITS YOU ALL OVER AGAIN, ALL AT ONCE, LIKE A STAB IN THE CHEST. YOU FALL APART, FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME. AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND NEVER COME OUT. YOU LOVE THIS PERSON WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART, EVEN THOUGH YOU KKNOW YOU SHOULDN'T. THEY HURT YOU WORSE THAN YOU'VE EVER BEEN HURT. THEY STOLE YOUR HAPPINESS. BUT YET, YOU STILL WANT THEM, AND ONLY THEM. OTHER PEOPLE COME ALONG AND GIVE YOU CHANCES TO MOVE ON, BUT YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO. IT UPSETS YOU THAT YOU MIGHT BE MOVING ON, BECAUSE YOU PROMISED YOU NEVER WOULD. AND EVEN IF THEY BROKE ALL THEIR PROMISES, YOU WANT TO KEEP YOURS, ON TOP OF THAT, YOU'RE TERRIFIED, TERRIFIED OF GETTING HURT AGAIN. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS ANYWAY, AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU'RE STILL THINKING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO HAS LEFT YOU COMPLETELY BROKEN. YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THEM ANYMORE. YOU DON'T WANT TO LOVE THEM ANYMORE, BUT YOU KNOW YOU ALWAYS WILL.”

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

skinny love- bon iver

im supposed to turn 16 tomorrow.my golden birthday. my sweet sixteen. this is supposed to be THE best year of my LIFE. and its going to suck. i can feel it. because growing up doesnt go year by year. growing up, high school, the whole lot takes more than one year. and at new years i thought to myself, "last year sucked, last year i was unhappy, last year i changed incredibly. so next year is going to be wonderful,im going to be beautiful and wonderful and smart and motivated and everything is going to be perfect." but i was, am and will always be wrong. life doesn't flip over. you can only turn a new page so far. there are no chapters in this book. the story, it keeps on going. but i want it to stop. i want everything to get better. and i know that means i need to get better. but how do i get better? how do i feel better? when does growing up stop and living start? i need a sign, a signal.i need a trip, i need a hug, i need a good book. i need a friend. i need to be let free. is this how a caged bird feels? i need to take myself, my life, a little less seriously. i need to feel like im not trapped. and maybe, i just have to stop doing what others tell me. i need to believe in what i want to believe in. i need to go to college. do i think im going to be ok? no. but probably, yes. in reality, i just don't know. we just don't know. because i don't see how pain can ever stop, or happiness ever cease. we are born into reality. and reality sucks. but i remember how happy i used to be. i remember noah coming over to play. and mikey walking home with me after school. i remember emily and me telling each other made up love stories. and erin cuddling with me on the couch. i remeber faking i was asleep so i could skip my shot one more night. and practicing my song so hard for my piano recital that once i got up there, i completely froze and screwed it up. i remember my dad driving me around while i cried and cried, on two occasions. and how i could feel nothing. i remember jade. and paige rubbing my arm. i remember not wanting to take my shirt off. and how much i loved being loved. i remember all the prayers. and how god never answered any of them. i remember how good it felt to be in his arms. and how little he knew me. i remember how much you needed me to fight for you. and how much it fucked me up. i remember looking in the mirror. and hating what i saw. i remember how much i wanted to get married. and how much i pretend now that i don't. i remember the secret world that lived in my head. and how much i adored tuna casserole. i remember the days after her. and how my strength had been stolen. i want it back, my strength. give it back to me, now. tomorrow is the day. i turn 16. and thats how old you were when you did that terrible thing to me. those terrible things. i was 13. i am now 16. you are a piece of filthy shit. and you didn't kill all of me, i am still here. i win. you lose.

i remember angelas bathroom. long counter top, pale walls, kleenex atop the toilet. i sat in there, trying desperately to make myself cry. or laugh. or anything. i wanted to feel like i knew you again. and then you came in. and we both started crying. the party was going around all around us, people trying to forget, people trying to be normal, people trying to be something they weren't. and then there was us. crying. looking at each other and sobbing. because we weren't ok, and they weren't ok and we were growing apart. and i remember your words, "i'll be here for you until you don't need me anymore" and i remember my reply- "i'll always need you." you- the girl i fought for every step of the way. you- the girl i told everything. you- the girl who knew me better than i knew myself. you- the girl that i cared about more than my own life. you- the girl i couldn't bear to lose. you-the girl who always saw me cry and who taught me how to laugh. you-the girl that meant and still means everything. i love you. i love you so much. i care about you, so so much. and i lied. because i don't need you anymore. and you know it. and i am so deeply sorry. because you told me the truth. you were there until i didn't need you. but your my best friend. you are my sister. you are the best person i have ever met. but i dont need you anymore. and i have to let you go. i have to say goodbye. and i will miss you. i will always miss you. you taught me how to live, how to dance, how to leave. you taught me everything. you grew me up, and kidded me down. you loved me in a way i have never been loved before. you hugged me. you cried right in front of me. you were raw and real in the best kind of way. and you will always be in my heart, in the best little suite i can give you. it will be gorgeous and wonderful and smart and caring and so beautiful your eyes will pop out of their sockets- just like you. you will always matter, but i love you. and i need you to be happy. and i need to be happy. and i need to find people i don't need to fight for. i have to speak my truth. and you- you were part of my lies.

i feel bad about everything. im so sorry. im sorry i ever said anything. because i never wanted this to happen- i never wanted anything to happen. i wanted perfection to reign true. thats all i've ever wanted. and its sick, to expect perfection out of yourself- its sick. and maybe i'm sick, and maybe its time i start telling the truth. and the thing is- i have. i have really started, after a long time of not, i have started to tell the truth. the real truth. the raw truth. the truth that everybody-including me- is just a little bit afraid of hearing. but im saying it. because im sick of the fake smile. im sick of mine, and im even more sick of yours. and maybe i just dont understand you, and maybe i never will. maybe, we are just too different. is there even such a thing? doubtful. i think what i-we-you need to do is unite. we need to unite. we have to stop taking sides, because im done fighting. and i think you are too. i need to find people that matter. people i can spill my guts to and forget the rest. and i think, slowly but surely, i am. and i think after all this time of not having faith in people, i do again. faith is the most powerful thing you can have in somebody or something. and i have faith in you. i have faith that your going to be ok, that im going to be ok, that we're going to be ok. and you can shake your head and laugh at me and call me crazy, but i do. i have faith in you. and im sorry you ever felt hurt.